Our Resource of Pleasure

Suppressing the painful memories of the past - bad things that have happened or that we have done - may help us avoid some unpleasantness. But it also suppresses our pleasurable resources that support our self-esteem and wellbeing. And the energy expended suppressing our past drains our present-life living. By recalling pleasant moments you can recover your lost energy and enthusiasm, and at the same time drain the energy from negative memories. Releasing wonderful new feelings and enjoyment into your present life. This lesson helps you do this.

When you re-experience positive memories you reclaim your vast resource of enthusiasm and joy. So you can enjoy it now. These experiences are left-behind golden nuggets of your life-energy that you can now reclaim. In the following exercise you recall some of the pleasant experiences of your life. By putting your attention on the positive, you increase your energy and validate your good and honest qualities. Your increased life-energy then makes bad experiences less significant. It helps release those negative experiences.

Positive Memories Exercise
Step 1. Ask yourself a question from the Recall List below.
Step 2. Recall such an experience and briefly run through it from beginning to end, as if
it were happening in the present. For example, "I'm running along the road and...".
Step 3 . Ask yourself the next question.
If you cannot recall an incident, or you get an unpleasant memory, leave that question
and go on to the next one.

Recall List
Recall a time when you enjoyed yourself.
Recall a time when you earned some money.
Recall a time when you heard some good music.
Recall a time when you mastered something.
Recall a time when you got something you wanted.
Recall a time when you enjoyed a cozy fire.
Recall a time when you rode a bicycle.
Recall a time when you played with an animal.
Recall a time when you rearranged furniture.
Recall a time when you really knew what you were talking about.
Recall a time when you gave a successful demonstration or talk.
Recall a time when you straightened out a messy environment.
Recall a time when you felt good about the way you looked.
Recall a time when you enjoyed talking with someone.
Recall a time when you were acknowledged for a job well done.
Recall a time when you kept a promise.
Recall a time when you held somebody close.
Recall a time when you enjoyed exercising.
Recall a time when you drew a picture.
Recall a time when you helped somebody.
Recall a time when you won.
Recall a time when you met someone you got on well with.
Recall a time when you had a good time dancing.
Recall a time when you felt important.
Recall a time when you were having a good holiday.
Recall a time when you achieved something worthwhile.
Recall a time when you were enjoying a long walk.
Recall a time when you enjoyed working in the garden.
Recall a time when you had a good idea.
Recall a time when you kissed somebody you liked.
Recall a time when you laughed at a joke.
Recall a time when you painted something.
Recall a time when you felt enthusiastic.
Recall a time when you were with a friend.
Recall a time when you stood your ground.

Step 4. When you can recall pleasurable experiences without much difficulty, repeat the above and look for earlier incidents of the same kind . That is, you ask:

Recall a time when ...
Recall an earlier time when ...
Recall the earliest time when ...
If you feel complete after several passes through the list, you may continue by imagining an 'experience' in response to the questions - let your imagination run wild!
So instead of "Recall a time when... (e.g. you enjoyed yourself)," ask: "Imagine... (e.g. enjoying yourself)." Imagine yourself experiencing this in the present.

This is a fun-exercise that really does make a difference to your outlook on life and improves your self-esteem.

Reconnecting with the Past

To the extent that we put a barrier up against the past, we cannot be integrated. Remembering things by its very nature puts attention on the past. The past may be pleasant, nostalgic or painful to recall but it doesn't govern the present - though one may feel it does!

Between you and your memories there may be a barrier created by suppressing the memory of unwanted past experiences. This reduces your ability to enjoy your present life. It denies you that resource of youthful energy, enthusiasm and wonder that somehow got lost during the years. It got lost because the energy was subsumed in creating the barrier of suppression, a barrier that became fixed and automatic, closing down the mind/body connection. When you remove this barrier, you will find it much easier to be in the here-and-now, and be pleasantly and joyfully aware in the present moment. There is a very simple and powerful way to break through this barrier of suppressed emotional charge between your conscious mind and and your memories and  accompanying feelings. You can regain your enthusiasm and wonder of life: you will discover it is still there, you just have to reclaim it.

Recall Exercise

You simply give yourself the direction: "Recall Something" and as quickly as you can, obtain a memory, then repeat the direction immediately. Any memory will do, whether it is from one minute ago or from years ago. But don't dwell on a period or experience; try to 'jump around', allowing whatever comes up to be OK before you quickly move on. Intend, each time, to recall something different.

After a while you will run out of 'stock memories'. You may dry up and find it hard to find a memory. You will then be aware of this barrier. You have billions if not trillions of memories. You should find memories with ease at first. When recalling becomes difficult you will know that something is going on! Your mind is being careful in case you recall something it doesn't want you to. Keep going! Give the direction "Recall something" and if no memory is found, simply repeat the direction again. Know your nconscious mind is actually answering the question and finding a memory. You just aren't aware of it.

Soon the memories will start to flow again - this is the breakthrough you're expecting. Keep giving the direction and keep the memories coming as quickly as possible. Do not dwell on any of them. The purpose of this exercise is to be able to freely recall the past, not to relive the memories in depth. This seemingly simple procedure will take you a long way in your development. When the going gets difficult, or if nothing seems to be happening, persist with the exercise until the breakthrough occurs and you feel more whole, at one with your mind, body and feelings.

RESPONSIBILITY

Whose Responsibility?

This time we move on to look at the issue of responsibility. This is often confusing. If I make a comment to someone - even though it was kindly and sincerely meant - and they get upset or take offense, is their upset my responsibility?

Take the example of a father who needs to tell his son it is time to go to bed, and no, he can't watch the rest of the film on TV, he needs to sleep and be up in time for school. The boy is angry and resentful and reluctantly goes to bed, feeling little love for me even though my action was based on my love and care for him.

There is a principle here: another's choices and creations (which includes their emotional responses) are their responsibility, not yours or anybody else's. In the same way that jealousy is less than love, since it resents the other's freedom to choose, to be themselves. This might seem like a cold or hard-hearted view but really it is based on love and respect for the other person's freedom.

So what is your responsibility? What if you do something wrong. Take this example: I promise my son to go to the circus with him, but then I'm too busy and don't have time to go, and he is understandably upset. For me, breaking my promise has been a wrong action on my part, and I would be responsible for it.

The conventional wisdom is that I have caused my son's grief. In truth however, it is my son who causes his grief, not me. But yes, it was still be a wrong action since I promised to take him to the circus and didn't. I am responsible for doing what I think is right, according to my ethical judgment. If I do something wrong according to my own ethics, I am responsible for that. I decided my work was more important than keeping my promise - in retrospect I may realize I made a mistake, apologize to my son and learn from that experience. I am not responsible for my son's reactions though, that is his determinism, his freedom, his life.

If you do something you think is right and someone gets upset about it, even if you could have predicted that, the upset is nevertheless that person's responsibility. And if you do something you know (or later realize) is wrong and another person is upset about that, their upset is similarly their own responsibility.

Another example: if you were to withhold doing personal development because your partner has said they do not want you to change in any way, perhaps because of their personal fears and insecurities, that is your choice. But if you consider making a better life for yourself is the ethical thing to do - for the benefit of yourself and ultimately for others too - and you tell your partner that and she gets upset, it is your partner who is responsible for the upset - it is her interpretation of your actions that creates her own
upset, not your action in itself, which is a responsible action.

You can genuinely love someone whilst nevertheless doing something they don't like or agree with. You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do, though you still understand and have empathy for their different viewpoint (which causes their emotional reaction) which they have created by their own choices and belief system. If one only did things others can easily accept then the status quo would never progress. That would truly be a trap. The solution here is better communication, leading to increased understanding of each other's viewpoint, and therefore acceptance of the differing personal realities.

There is a strong imprint in our culture to feel sad, guilty, etc. for painful emotions our actions may cause to others. There's a general misconception that you are your emotions. "I am angry" and "you make me angry". This is conditioning not truth. In terms of cause and effect, it's a viewpoint at effect. Some say that to be happy, only do what others can easily experience - it's the same lie.

You are responsible for your choices, decisions and actions. For being true to your judgment. For communicating with honesty and integrity, developing and maintaining an open mind, and promoting understanding and empathy. For never compromising your freedoms and rights nor trampling on another's. For always acting from the primary motivation of love. That's all and quite enough.

Practical
Look at some experiences you have had and perhaps see them in a different light. Times when somebody was upset and you felt it was your fault. Separate the right and wrong actions you made from the interpretation the other made, based on which they were upset. If you made a mistake, learn from that - if their interpretation was faulty, realize that is their responsibility, their freedom.

Look at times when you were upset and you felt it was their fault. Realize that you created your emotional reaction, and that their actions were based on their own understanding (or misunderstanding) of the situation. If they were mistaken, forgive them. The following article is about maintaining your integrity, in particular with respect to agreements you make, and how important that is for successful relationships.

Trust in Relationships
We all yearn for relationships in which there is trust. We want to be able to depend on others. We're looking for the ease, clarity and harmony that are inherent in trustful relationships. But, is there any one of us who wasn't let down or betrayed by someone who didn't live up to his or her agreements?

We all make agreements every day. Some seem small and insignificant: agreement about a time to meet or a promise to run an errand. Others are seen as bigger and more important: a formal contract or signing a loan. But all of them are important. Because this is the way trust is earned. Your reputation is built upon your ability to make and keep agreements.

The corner stone of every relationship is trust. And when we're not feeling safe in a relationship - we do not give our 100%. Partners who keep their agreements or renegotiate when they can't are few. But then, so are successful couples.

Criticism

In today's unit we will look more closely at how criticism can affect us, and how best to handle it.

A person tends to defend himself and protest, when confronted by another's criticism or complaint. Nevertheless he may afterward start to introspect - "Is it really true, what was said?" - causing him to fixate his attention inwardly on himself. Compulsive introspection is caused by a false criticism being accepted, which causes the person to look inwardly and worry about the mystery caused by this error. In a normal person this can cause diminished activity and unhappiness or illness. With a neurotic person it can push him over the edge into psychosis.

This may begin early in childhood with the 'overcautious-parent' syndrome - "What are you doing?", "Careful, careful, careful!" when you're climbing up a ladder, and such things that interfere with the natural flow of simple actions, so the person arrives at a point in life where he is inhibited from handling the world around him. Such a person has to think about everything he does, rather that just do it.

Another's criticism or complaint is rarely specific and accurate enough to be helpful. Often it is a generality or exaggeration, i.e. more than the truth ("You're always moaning" whereas I only moan sometimes); or it may be not quite true ("You don't give clear instructions" whereas I have normally been giving clear instructions but I didn't in this particular person's case).

If the criticism is completely off the mark it is less likely to cause confusion and introspection. The trouble is, criticism often has an element of truth in it, and if the criticism is rejected off-hand, the truth of things remains uninspected and unhandled. Even if the criticism is accurate, having behaved in a certain way for some time, often all his life, a person asserts the rightness of it - he IS the behavior! - and becomes
resistive to inspecting and handling the condition objectively. Further criticism just makes this worse. But unless a person is able to evaluate his own behavior objectively, which includes learning from other peoples' point of view, he will not be able to break free from the shackles of a limited personal identity and realize his actual unbounded Higher Self.

Practical

For each person that you know, consider if there is something which that person has suggested is wrong with your behavior or attitude?

For each criticism that you find, consider whether it's an over-generalization or exaggeration, and whether the criticism was made from a viewpoint of intolerance or negative thinking. Was the criticism based on a false assumption? Is the criticism partly true or is it true of just a specific instance? Have you ever criticized someone of the same thing?

Suppression

When you are forced out of your time and space by someone else’s goals that can be called suppression. One moves out of one's own identity into the time and space of another's goals and purposes in order to handle the situation being presented - instead of saying "Get stuffed" or something more diplomatic and going on with what one was intending to do in the first place. In other words one didn't maintain integrity.

There are two choices offered to you here ;one can align with the other's identity, which their goal or purpose imposes, or one can resist the goal or purpose and become another identity - but not one's true self.

But there is another alternative - one could maintain one's integrity, just be oneself. This also means taking responsibility, acting on the basis of a clear sense of one's own identity, goals and purposes. For example, a proud father wants his son to become an doctor like himself. If this is not what the son intends he either complies and makes a lousy doctor and is subject to suppression throughout his life by having to follow his father's vocation. Or he resists this persuasion and becomes something quite the opposite, such as an artist, but he doesn't do well at it this either because it was set up in opposition to his father, not as something he really wanted to do.

So again that person feels continually suppressed by life. His problem is that neither way can he be himself, a Catch 22. Compliance or resistance generates constant emotional charge in the person's life that doesn't resolve. Its a locked situation. He may - and normally does - hide this situation from himself and he may have no real idea who he himself is, what he really wants to be and do in life, what his true goals and purposes are.

Practical

Notice which people in your life make you feel good and which make you feel bad.

When you find yourself feeling limited or put down or depressed in somebody's presence, write down who it is and exactly what happened. And when you feel uplifted and in a good mood in somebody's presence, note down who it was and exactly what happened.

Look for specific reasons for your feelings in those situations. What is the difference between the people or situations where you feel good and the ones where you feel bad? Isolate what is going on. What are your intentions, likes, dislikes, purposes and goals that are being suppressed. They may be being suppressed by yourself now as well, but originally they were aspects of your own identity that were effectively suppressed by another's influence. Or that suppressive influence - perhaps with the "best of intentions" but not your intentions - may be continuing into the present.

Just recognizing the truth of one's current situation will help to free it up. Work out how you can organize your life to minimize the negativity and reclaim your power. Remember that the situations in your life where you feel at effect or a victim are something you are doing and creating by yourself. It might appear to be other people's fault, however, we are the ultimate cause of our lives.

When I was a child, parents or teachers were "always right," and I had to conform to their rules. They had all the power. So the choices left would be extreme, like running away from home or jumping from a bridge; or being unquestioningly obedient and gradually losing touch with myself; or just being thoroughly depressed. How these experiences can be resolved? The past cannot be undone but I can change my interpretation of it. From a mature, adult point of view I can show my inner child that perhaps another choice remains: to understand that my parents or teachers may have been misguided but were acting in what they thought to be my best interest, so instead of feeling resentment I now have the choice to instead feel a little more understanding and empathy. And then I have the choice to forgive them, a choice that I did not feel I had then, and to learn some valuable life lessons from the experience.

Co-Dependence

Sometimes we put aside our true self and instead exist from the position of being effect. We may be involved in relationships and work situations we know are harming us, but we feel helpless to change them. We may have addictive relations to people and situations. We must have what is harming us, or we must do what (we really know inside) is harming us. We are co-dependent.

One may be addicted to a relationship if one feels ashamed and therefore needing to propitiate - or if one fears abandonment, being rejected or being alone and therefore forced to be independent. But these feelings are suppressed, hidden from ourselves.

Co-dependence is really emotional dishonesty, because we are suppressing our true feelings and substituting those of another. We lose our integrity and are stuck on our spiritual path. It needs dealing with!

Do any of the following apply to you?
Do you depend on somebody else's approval?
Do somebody else's problems feel like your problems?
Do you put aside your interests for another person's?
Do you feel responsible for another's feelings?
Do you feel you can't say no, or very guilty and anxious if you do?
Do you worry how another may respond to your feelings and behavior?
Do you fear being hurt or rejected by another?
Do you put another's needs and wants before your own?
Do you judge things by another person's standards?
Are you steadfastly loyal even when shamed, neglected or abused?

If so, spot the co-dependence and take responsibility in that area - reclaim your own choices. (You can change the following questions to the present tense if appropriate.)

1. What choices did I make? Consider:
a. What did I decide about myself ?
b. What did I decide about the other person or other people?
c. What did I choose to think?
d. How did I choose to feel? What emotion did I choose?
e. What did I choose to do?
f. How did my choices affect my behavior going forward?

2. What other choices could I have made? And what might the effect of each of those choices be?

3. What positive learning can I get from this experience?
You need to look at the situation in terms of choices you have made and that you can revise, now that you are more conscious of what's going on.

By becoming conscious of our attitudes and perspectives, we can start discerning what works for us and what does not work. We can then start making choices about whether our view of life is serving us - or if it is setting us up to be victims because we are expecting life to be something which it is not.

An example. I allow my son to watch any program he wants on TV and miss my own favorites, because I'm afraid to upset him and I want him to love me. I've chosen to believe that he will only love me if I allow him to do whatever he wants. I realize now however that I'm his father, he loves me anyway, and my behavior is not actually going to increase his respect for me, in fact the opposite, and it isn't a good example to set him either [my positive learning]. I have my own right to watch my favorite programs and the TV is a resource we share, not to be dominated by one person. So now I choose to explain that to my son (assertively but calmly and with empathy, certainly not with anger or resentment) and in future we will have a better arrangement.

Empathic communication is always the answer, but remember that empathy does not necessarily require liking or agreement, it's to recognize and respect the other as an independent living being, with their own rights and responsible for their own beliefs, feelings and actions. And yourself likewise. That's what love actually is: unconditional acceptance. That quality is who you really are, your essential nature.

Co-dependence applies to perhaps a majority of people, so don't think there's anything wrong with you, so much as you've now started on a path of personal growth, so you can begin to switch these things around. Choose one of the aspects of co-dependence and start to put it right. Not all at the same time as that would be overwhelming, but choose one in which you feel you can take some positive steps toward changing your situation and your customary responses. If you can make some empowering changes,
this will encourage you to tackle further areas of your life and relationships, and the snowball will be rolling. However, if it all seems too much, then get some help from a counselor, who will give you support.

Next week we will talk about supression

1. Invalidation

When you act according to the will of another person and suppress your own wishes, you have identified a part of yourself with the other person. You have let them into your mind, as your master. You have become fragmented. One of the main ways this comes about is through invalidation, or 'making wrong'. If somebody says your effort was 'not good enough' or that you 'shouldn't have done that', then you start to question yourself. You begin to introspect and ask, 'Is there something wrong with me?' When another person wrongly evaluates or misunderstands your communications or your state of mind, naturally this is upsetting. It means the other has not understood you. Your enthusiasm wanes. You may accept this false evaluation - perhaps because of the authority or dominance of the other person. If you ignore your own feelings and believe they must be right, you begin to follow their will, not your own. A part of you has
identified with the other person and split from the real you. The you that is responsible for your choices.

This very commonly occurs with children, where they take on the characteristics of their parents. It is also very frequent in relationships where one partner adjusts to match the other's expectations. And of course it happens at work too. When our goals are suppressed by another - however well meant - it is eventually life destroying. Negative evaluations (personal criticisms, opinions) by another especially at times of stress can cause extreme upset.

Practical: How to handle invalidations

There are many and various ways you might have been put-down by others and as a result agreed to have less power. You need to look again at what happened and ask yourself:
1. What choices did I make? Consider:
a. What did I decide about myself ?
b. What did I decide about the other person or other people?
c. What did I choose to think?
d. How did I choose to feel? What emotion did I choose?
e. What did I choose to do?
f. How did my choices affect my behavior going forward?

2. What other choices could I have made? And what might the effect of each of those choices be?

3. What positive learning can I get from this experience?

4 The positive learning is basically whatever insight you have found after realizing you have chosen one direction and can revise that choice if you want. You always have choices. If a mugger threatened you with a gun, you have the choice not to give him your wallet. He might have killed you or given up and run away. But you had the choice. You may have chosen to give him your wallet, which may have been wise. But you never have to do anything against your will. You can always choose.

Following is a list of ways you might have been invalidated in the past, or it may be happening to you now. For each question that applies to you, go through the procedure above and see what you can learn from this experience, and what part of yourself you can reintegrate.

Did anybody say you don't have a right to your opinion?
Did anybody criticize you unjustly?
Did anybody make an unfair generalization about you?
Did anybody tease you?
Did anybody make you feel insignificant?
Did anybody tell you that you shouldn't be there?
Did anybody tell you that you don't belong?
Did anybody tell you that you couldn't leave?
Did anybody force you to follow their rules?
Did anybody trick you into an agreement?
Did anybody judge you?
Did anybody make you do something you didn't like?
Did anybody decide things for you?
Did anybody take away your ability to choose?
Did anybody bypass you or take away your job?

To take an example. Perhaps my wife says I'm a useless lover. I feel invalidated, put down, and upset, naturally. And perhaps I accept what she says, that I am indeed a useless lover and now I really don't want to make love any more. I have chosen to accept what she said as the truth. Looking at it again now though, I can see that it was simply words she spoke and perhaps she had other reasons for stating that - there was certainly a breakdown in communication between us at the time. I realize now that invalidations can occur when what is said is not really meant (after all, many times before that she said I'm a great lover) but is a symptom of a more significant upset. I can repair such an upset by honest and open communication. That's positive learning for me.

Over the next few months I plan to share some units on positive approach to life mainly based on Peter Shepherd's writings

Prof.Lakshman

ESSENTIAL CONSELLOR QUALITITES

In various clinical studies concerning the question, what makes a good counsellor, the answer to this question was directly related to the personal qualities of the counsellor. When the essential qualities of understanding, acceptance and genuineness were missing from the counsellors their clients grew worse. So important are these essential qualities of the counsellor that it is essential to consider them, in detail.

There are three basic personal qualities of a counsellor.

1) Empathic Understanding
Understanding the client from his point of view, being with him in his world.

2) Acceptance
Being able to suspend judgement and criticism, listen by giving compelte attention so that the client feels valued for himself.

3) Genuineness
The ability and willingness to be open, real and consistent in the relationship with the client. Prepared to give him time and attention, not wanting to manipulate or patronise him in a ‘do-gooding’ way. The client must feel the counsellor is a real person, not just someone in a professional role.

These qualities bring forth the facilitative role of the counsellor. He / she is assisting the client by showing genuine concern and by not attempting to advise the client. These qualities are communicated by the way the counsellor attends and responds verbally and non-verbally to the client.

The essential qualities of a counselling are empathic understanding, acceptance and genuineness.
In a context these qualities are projected by showing respect to the client. The client has varous rights that must be respected. Some basic rights of he client are :-

(a) Right to speak and be heard.
(b) Right to his/her opinion
(c) Right to defend him/herself
(d) Right to his/her own personal philosophy

These are the most basic human rights. The counsellor therefore cannot expect the client to just accept his interpretation of the problem and simply accept all that is given to hm/her.

A helpful image of the human person is one of a ‘document’ to be read and interpreted in a manner analogous to the interpretation of New Testament texts. These texts are treated with respect and allowed to speak for themselves. The client when shown empathic understanding, acceptance, genuineness feels free to say exactly what he thinks. Each individual living human document has an integrity of his/her own that calls for understanding and interpretation, not categorisation or stereotyping.

DEVELOPING COUNSELLOR QUALITIES

Developing and Nurturing Counsellor Qualities

The following are five basic ways of developing and nurturing these qualities :

1) Practice seeing and feeling the world from another person’s viewpoint.
2) Become aware of accepting and un accepting responses in your self and others.
3) Become aware of your own prejudices and attitudes which make acceptance difficult.
4) Become aware of how open or genuine you are as viewed by others.
5) Practice and improve listening and ‘active listening’

Self awareness is essential to being an effective counsellor. The above five exercises assist in knowing yourself and seeing yourself as others see you. The reality of knowing yourself is greatly assisted by asking the community that work with you to honestly state how they see you.

All people are embedded in their history. This is our background to our language world. More accurately, we come embedded in our personal and social history and immersed in one or more language worlds from which the images, symbols, and meanings are drawn with which to make an interpretation.

To be aware of your personal and social history is to gain distance and therefore self-understanding. Our personal and social history is what governs our accepting and un accepting responses. It also governs our own prejudices and attitudes which make acceptance difficult. Developing and nurturing our counsellor qualities therefore involves taking a serious look at our personal and social history.

One method of taking a serious look at your personal and social history is to write out your life story. Begin with our birth through childhood, adolescence to adulthood. Reflect on your feelings and important relationships that caused pain or anxiety and process them to find out how they impact your life today. When you can understand your own story then the understanding of the client’s story will not be so difficult.

EMPATHY

Empathy is an essential Stage I skill that enables you to communicate emotional understanding to your client. This skill can be defined as :

(a) An ability to experience the world from the other person’s shoes.
(b) Clarity of your own perceptions, beliefs and values so that we do not muddle our world with theirs.
(c) Verbal ability to communicate our understanding.

Empathy exercises

1. Bill/Mrs. Collins
“I am going to imagine that I am Mrs. Collins ………..
I am Mrs. Collins and I am talking to my friend ………..”
Comment : It is very difficult to see me through her eyes.”

2. Helen/Andrew
“I will be Andrew talking about me to his friend on his way to school”
Comment: “It is interesting trying to think as if I am inside him”

3. Paul/Susan
“I’, Paul, I’ll try that exercise and see if I can be Susan”
Comment: “It is difficult, perhaps it is my thoughts projected onto her.”

Note the difficulty of the exercise and its intrinsic value.

To empathise with another person is to put oneself in their shoes. This is a very difficult exercise because our own perceptual and interpretive capacities come quickly and automatically into play.

Some counsellors think it is erroneous to consider this task of empathising with another person in subject-object terms. It should be considered in much more of a dialogical process in which what is hoped for is a merger of horizons of meaning and understanding. This means we attempt to understand another without leaving behind our own experiences and self-understanding.

The writer Prof.Lakshman Madurasinghe, MA.,MS(Psy).PhD Chartered Fellow CIPD(Lond) is a Behavioural Scientist with International HR Consultancy experience

Website: http://lmadurasinghe.googlepages.com

From next week for a few months I will be sharing tips for building a positive outcome

CHECK LIST OF ESSENTIAL DETAILS

1. Why does the client need help at this time ?

Drinking problem
Mental health problem
Coming out of jail
Victims of the economy
Physical problems

2. What has the client already done towards solving the problem ?

Agencies
Where has he been living
What was his last job
What kinds of help has he already received

3. What help has he received already ?

Who has been helping him (name, telephone numbers)
What have they done for him.

4. What help does he still need ?

Find a job
Find a place to stay
Get help from an agency (DHSS, Welfare etc.)
Psychotherapy / counselling
Psychotherapy / counselling
Psysiotherapy

5. Spiritual needs

Is he living a spiritual life
How does he need to grow in his/her relationship to God

6. Plan :

For tomorrow
For the next week
For the future

The check list of details may give structure to a counselling session with a drug addict or homeless person. It is a good basic structure for most crisis counselling sessions.

This check list may be covered over several counselling sessions depending on the time available.

The counsellor may ask these questions in different ways. The idea is not to be mechanical and run through the check list but to introduce these questions as the client begins to open up.

CHECK LIST OF ESSENTIAL DETAILS
(General)

1. Why does the client need help at this time ?

2. What has the client done already towards solving the problem?

3. What help has the client received already ?

4. What help does the client still need ?

5. Plans:

6. What can we do to help ?

a. Further counselling
b. Referrals

7. Spiritual Needs

This check list of essential details may give some structure to the counselling session. It is mainly used by counsellors who deal with clients who are having problems making decisions in their life. Perhaps the client has just been made redundant or has been dismissed from his employment.

CHECK LIST OF LISTENING SKILLS

1. Be Accepting

a. Take a non-judgemental stance
b. Accept him for what he is
c. Accept him for where he is

2. Be concerned

a. Caring and willing to get involved
b. Attentive to what the client says
c. Your motivation is love

3. Be Patient

a. The client sets the schedule
b. Giving time suggests interest
c. Do not force the pace

4. Be specific

a. Ask specific questions
b. Give concrete statements
c. Confront inconsistencies in the client’s story

5. Be Honest

a. Respond in a way that reflects your feelings
b. Your responses are to be congruent with your feelings
c. Your responses should be gracious

6. Be Faithful

a. Absolute confidentiality
b. Refrain from passing along information given by the client
c. Always keep an appointment with the client

Prof.Lakshman Madurasinghe

BASIC LISTENING SKILLS

Basic listening skills include acceptance of the client an this is projected by giving complete attention to the client’s story. This attention giving requires us to suspend our own thoughts, while we listen tot he client.

Non counselling Response (Tutor/Nurse)

Tutor Response (unskilled) Analysed

a. “But, you can’t do that …..” (Yes, but response/Non Acceptance)
b. “Oh, I think a lot of people think like that …….” (Generalising & Diagnosing)
c. “You look very tired …..” (Diagnosing & Suggested Action)

Did the Tutor really listen, and was he showing acceptance ?

Counselling Response (Tutor/Nurse)

Tutor Response (Skilled) Analysed

a. “I am glad you have come…. “ (Acceptance)
b. “You are beginning to doubt…..” (Reflecting & Acceptance)
c. “Is it perhaps being responsible” (Reflecting Nurse’s feelings)

Note the Tutor’s warm accepting tone of voice.

SUMMARY

The skilled Tutor’s response includes the following :

1. Listened attentively
2. Real effort to understand
3. Acceptance of client
4. Showed genuine interest

His reply demonstrates active listening, without judging or giving quick answers.

The counsellor is a listener to someone else telling him a story. This is why acceptance and warmth are essential to receiving the client’s story. Anything that block s the flow of the story or story teller’s thought patterns effectively blocks the counselling session.

As the client tells his story, he is also exploring other possibilities, and may correct his original interpretation of what has happened in his life. Clients seek out a counsellor because they need someone to listen to their story. They need an interpreter, someone who can make sense of their unique story.

The fact that the client is in search of an interpreter means that his story causes pain or confusion. The client is therefore seeking someone who can reduce the pain and make the powerful feelings more manageable. The client therefore comes seeking a fresh interpretation of his story. A new story or at least a new interpretation that would give light at the end of the tunnel is asked for.

The counsellor listen with the intent of catching the strands of the client’s story. The themes, tones, plots and counter plots, that after a time will surface, are the key factors in understanding the client’s story.

Basic listening skills in a pastoral context is listening to the client’s story with the intent of working with the client, to bring forth a new interpretation.

The writer Prof.Lakshman Madurasinghe, MA.,MS(Psy).PhD Chartered Fellow CIPD(Lond) is a Behavioural Scientist with International HR Consultancy experience

Website: http://lmadurasinghe.googlepages.com

PART 2

Counselling Is Not

Advice Giving (Teacher / Pupil)

Pupil wants to talk and explore the situation. Teacher’s response of saying “Best thing you can do” effectively blocks exploration of the avenues of action, therefore ending the discussion.

Opinion Giving (Two women)

The reply, “If I were you, I would” effectively blocks exploration of the other woman’s thoughts on the subject. It stops constructive feedback from the troubled woman.

Sympathising (Man/Woman)

The statement, “I know how you must feel”, not only blocks but also robs the woman of sharing and exploring her emotions.

Giving practical help (Mother/Helper)

The helper responding with action, “I can cope with the baby for you” only relieves the immediate worry. Taking the responsibility off the person blocks exploration of how to work through the problem. What the mother may need is space to talk about her fears of hitting the baby.

Counselling is unique in that it assists the client in self reflection and actualisation. It is assisting the client to work through his or her conflicts utilising their own structure. All responsibility and accountability is left on the client’s shoulders; it is not removed by the counsellor or any other person. Whatever the client shares or discusses is the material that the counsellor uses. The process of counselling is therefore client centered.

The emotional world of the client is the core of the counselling process. It is therefore the task of the counsellor to understand the clients world. This can be extremely difficult because the symbolism of the client’s vocabulary may be slightly different from the counsellors. Both may be saying the same words, but meaning something different.

To enter the world of the client is to, in a sense, leave your won world. It is to leave your horizons of understanding and seek to enter the client’s. Your pre-suppositions need to be left behind and a clean sheet opened for the client to write on. This does not mean that your pastoral orientation is relinquished. What it does mean is that your presuppositions and orientation do not colour what you perceive to be the client’s orientation and presuppositions. Another way of stating this is that you require distance from your own world to objectively look at and understand the client’s world. This being the case, the uniqueness of counselling is that the client is assisted in working through his own problems to discover his own solutions.

SKILLED & UNSKILLED RESPONSES

Skilled Responses

Skilled responses will help the client feel comfortable and free to respond to the counsellor. The counsellor must project empathy and acceptance towards the client. When the client feels that the counsellor is truly listening and understanding what he is saying, then a foundation is laid for self exploration.

Unskilled Responses

a. ME TOO (Two Women)

The second woman immediately ‘caps’ the first woman’s story. The reply “I know what you mean” effectively shifts the focus of attention from the first woman, and therefore blocks her from sharing her feelings.

b. IF I WERE YOU

This is advice giving with the potent suggestion that, “I have a ready made answer” What is usually means is, “If you were me” and again, this shifts the focus of attention.

c. YES, BUT (Husband / Wife)

The “yes, but”, is an effective block to an argument. It is agreeing with the person on the one hand, and blocking it with the other. Again, it shifts the focus of attention.

The skilled counsellor will listen attentively and assist the client to reflect upon what he is saying. In doing this, the counsellor is giving the client time to explore and possibly understand his anxiety. He does not fall into the trap of the “yes, but “syndrome i.e. “yes, I understand, but have you read this verse in scripture” When appropriate, scripture, in a pastoral context, is a useful tool and has assisted clients in understanding their specific problem. However, to just block the client’s train of thought by pulling out a well proven verse is to block your ministry.

If you were in a boat and a young man fell in the water and was drowning, and after crying for help, went under for the third time, you wouldn’t say, “yes, but, have you read……. “because – is that really ministry ? In certain circumstances, to be only prophetic is to be unscriptural. The book of James in the New Testament bears this out.

When listening to a client share deep concerns in his life, to say “me too” may not be an appropriate response. To testify of the providence of God may be appropriate in an ecclesiastical setting, but in a counselling session, it may block the client’s only avenue of self expression. We, as counsellors, are here to listen, not to compete with our clients. At appropriate times, sharing your own story is a means of saying you understand the client’s story, but, it must be used with much tact and self discipline.

Next week we will focus on listening skills

The writer Prof.Lakshman Madurasinghe, MA.,MS(Psy).PhD Chartered Fellow CIPD(Lond) is a Behavioural Scientist with International HR Consultancy experience

Website: http://lmadurasinghe.googlepages.com

Basics of Counselling for HR Practitioners

Over the next five weeks or so I propose to write once a week giving the basics of Counselling that could be built into our own Counselling scenarios either at work or outside workplace.

DEFINITIONS OF COUNSELLING

Counselling may be defined as providing help and support for the client, creating a climate of acceptance and assisting the client to explore, understand and act.

(a) Providing help and support, and an understanding listener for someone who is concerned or
perplexed.

(b) Creating a climate so that the client feels accepted, non-defensive, and able to talk freely about
himself and his feelings.

(c) Helping the client to gain clearer insight into himself and his situation so that he is better able to
help himself, and draw on his resources.

Counselling is therefore concerned with human relationships, either your relationship with another person or persons.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Active Listening is giving the client our full and undivided attention. This is a learned skill, it is not a natural attribute. It takes a lot of concentration and energy to fully focus your attention to the client’s verbal expressions.

There are several ways that our listening skills can be developed. Basically, if we have a reason to listen and therefore focus upon the clients then our listening will be more effective. The more interested we become in the client’s story, the more the client will want to share.

Listening prepares the counsellor for responding empathically to the client. In both clinical and pastoral ministries approximately 90% of the time in counselling sessions is spent in active listening.

Active listening gathers all the information that can be related to the problem or goals presented by the client. We can listen for clues to the client’s emotional and intellectual functioning. In pastoral counselling we also listen for the client’s spiritual functioning. Another function that we listen to is the physical, ie energy level. The manner of telling the story will either be flat (low energy level = depression), excited (high energy level = elated) or boring (dull tone = listless) The tone of the clent’s presentation is therefore extremely important.

An active listener listens to the themes of the client’s story. As the client’s story unfolds recurring themes will surface. These themes may be persecution, frustration, anger, unworthy, nobody listens. The main theme of the client’s story will occur more than the associated themes.

The counsellor is therefore listening with an inner ear. He or she is listening not only to the words of the story, but also to recurring patterns that make up the total picture. This process takes time and the total picture will take several sessions to be fully appreciated.

Active listening must initially take in the basic interrogatives: who ?, what?, why?, where?, how?

As every reporters knows, these questions must be answered before the basic structure of the story can be told. These interrogatives are therefore extremely important. They are the skeleton of the story. However, it is the tone, themes and expressions of the client that puts the flesh on the dry bones. The skin that covers the flesh is the fine detail that the client will share from time to time. This brings the body to life and enables the counsellor to fully appreciate the whole picture.

Active listening is hard work that requires intensive concentration. We may hear what the client is saying, but are we actively listening. This type of intensive listening also requires recalling. Recalling involves both the recall of content and expression. When we recall certain expressions of the client this should trigger off what the client said at that precise moment. When the client leaves the office then recall in this manner enables you to write down verbatim what the client said.

This week practice active listening with your colleagues at work or family members. Listen for the six basic facts of the story. Listen to the tone and recurring themes. Listen for the major theme that keeps recurring in the story. Listen for the fine detail. Also try and recall the expressions of the story teller. This exercise should be practised periodically throughout this learning..

Next week I shall deal with What Counselling is and What it is not with examples of certain skilled and Unskilled responses.


The writer Prof.Lakshman Madurasinghe, MA.,MS(Psy).PhD Chartered Fellow CIPD(Lond) is a Behavioural Scientist with International HR Consultancy experience

Website: http://lmadurasinghe.googlepages.com